Heavy hearts just keep coming.

Today I got the kind of call I dread. It was a precious young foster mom that I have communicated with on several occasions. She had asked me to pray today for a court date they were having regarding the future of the precious little son they have had for 14 months. I did pray and hoped with all of my heart that God would intervene and allow him to be their son forever.

When I heard her voice on the other end of the phone, it was all too familiar to me….and it certainly didn’t mean he was staying. As I held on to the receiver, all I could do was listen to her cries and pray. There are no words to describe the shock, the grief and the gut-wrenching heartbreak that comes when a judge makes an unexpected and seemingly unwise decision. There is no way to comfort or console a mother who is losing her most valuable possession. Prayers seem to go unanswered, quoting scripture seems pharisaical and all the anecdotes in the world cannot cover the pain. All I could do was listen, pray and let her know that I truly and completely understood.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t truly and completely understand. Instead, I wish my daughter was here and that I could just sympathize on the surface with these situations instead of empathize deeply and internally. I wish I didn’t have the picture ingrained in my mind of my child looking up at me from the backseat of a car as she was whisked away never to see me again. I wish….but then God brings me back to the reality that foster care is hard. This world is sinful and all of us in this world are sinful. The system is a mess and the individuals within the system are a mess. But, nothing and no one can change the fact that I had the honor and privilege to be Baby B’s mother for 15 months-that God allowed me to pour into her life- love and peace and passion while she poured into me life-changing truths that would alter the course of my ministry.

And tonight, my precious friend Paige, God is saying to you ‘well done, my good and faithful servant’- your baby B will always carry with him the joy, the nurture and the unconditional love that could only come from having you as his mother during this difficult time in his life. Whatever happens from this point on, he is forever changed because you listened to God’s call on your life and you were willing to sell-out to your son-no matter what the cost and no matter what the outcome. I pray that God will hold you tightly in the palm of His hand…because He, as well, knows what it is like to give up a son.

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Published in: on October 12, 2010 at 11:20 pm  Comments (8)  

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  1. I have trouble even reading this post, considering where we are with L right now. It just makes me feel so broken and empty inside to imagine myself in this position. Praying for Paige, I can’t imagine the grief. Praying for you and Baby B too, and I know this wound on your heart still hurts.

    • Thanks friend for your comment. Please continue to pray for Paige. I haven’t talked to her today, but she did let me know late last night that B was leaving at 11:00 today. My heart is just so heavy for them.

  2. My heart breaks for Paige & Baby B. PRAYING! May the Lord be victorious!

  3. I have a baby B in my heart too. Praying for Paige and all of us who have released our hearts. Habbakuk 3:17 was a lifeline for me in those first months of grieving. I had to consciously choose to still worship the Lord. Even today as I remember something and the grief comes over me fresh I say in my heart, “Though…Yet!” Even when my earhtly situation stinks, yet I will praise Him and He will be my strength.

    • Thanks Heather for your comment. I think it is so encouraging during the times of grief to realize that there are others who understand exactly how we feel. I know for me my ‘sisters’ in ministry mean so much because they are living the foster care/adoption journey- so they totally understand. And even more important is, like you said, to realize that God is faithful and that though sometimes we cannot see- we can trust Him. Great go-to scripture too! :)

  4. In tears as I read this post and know that one day it will be my turn to know the pain of having a child gone forever. My wonderful husband has already asked me what it is I’ll need to hear when that day comes, “They are worth it all” was my response. Praying for Paige as she grieves.

  5. Thank you all for your prayers! It has and will continue to be a soft part in my heart. However, my God heals the broken and I know that for this time I was the best mother for my baby B. He was loved beyond comprehension and I rest knowing that my God will be his constant protector!

    We will continue to foster because if not us, then who. I refuse to let this pain keep us from doing it again. Our God is faithful!

    Thank you Christie for your prayers and phone calls. You have been such a blessing to me!

    • Paige- You continue to be on my heart and in my prayers! I love your heart and your willingness to persevere even when things don’t make sense, all because you know what God has called you to do! I know God has and will continue to bless your servant’s heart. :)


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